A Christmas Gift to Myself ☃
Ever since COVID, I have been winning and losing
Sometimes I can fly high, but mostly it's kissing my dreams goodbye
And my body finally had enough of it by giving me acne when I am 60.25kg
And warning me of the future if I don't commit to what I know
Cleanliness, exercise, and being stress-free
Collagen, and always eating healthy
It stresses me out every time I see what I used to be
And self-criticism is my worst enemy
It does not help when others add on to it
It does not help when I am fighting against it
I feel alone as I keep struggling and struggling
Wasting money and knowing it is futile
For my future is not set in stone
But my current actions will cement it
And still I keep doing everything fat and unhealthy
Giving in to sins, wasting and eating
And spiraling down this tunnel I go
And spiraling down this self-hatred that I know
When will I ever see the light again?
When will I ever take the wheel again?
For it seems that the more I try
The harder it fights back
And when I give up
I breathe easier but the after-effect is super bad
And as days go by, I procrastinate some more
And as days go by, I keep saying no more
But, every new day comes and I see no change
Every new day comes, and I see that I am not in the game
And hopeless, and tiredness, and stupidity I feel
And painful, and awful, and anxious I feel
I just want it to go all away
I just want it to reset my day
A forced refresh is what I need
Probably a strategic time, date, day, or event when I see
That pushes me forward so that I don't look back
That pulls me forward so that I don't walk back
But, until that day, when will it be?
As I keep walking, stumbling, and hating what I see
The layers of fat keep growing and growing
Like cancer, like moss, like bacteria, like fire
I don't know the root
Oh wait I do
But it did not help me push forward too
So what is next do I need
I tried counselling but it did not work on me
For it returned and it is stronger than ever
The thing that worked was heartbreak and disaster
Where grief kept me focus and in survival mode
Training my pain to focus on exercise mode
And though I feel better for myself physically inside
Mentally I feel like I want to die
But mental pain seems to be easier for me to manage
Because physical pain focused and tired me out
But now even both mental and physical killed all my energy
Where did the 2019 me go?
Did she leave already?
I want her to come back
With all that health and energy
I want to her to take control
With all that focus and resilience
I want her to take charge
With all that determination
Because even when she was broken inside
She was strong on the outside
She carried on like there was no tomorrow
She carried on even though it's hell
I know what to do, when to do, and why to do
But why am I stopping myself from achieving that perfect me?
That image in my head that's burn in my memory
That long hair, slim figure, who's proud of her body
Who selfie and kept it for memory
I want to go back to that time
And bring her forward to this life
But to do that I got to work hard
And what is stopping me is my own heart.
Even by typing this, I feel so damn tired
Even by venting out, I feel so damn sad
Because the past mostly stays in the past
But to retake the steps would need time from my end
Life is not like a computer game where I can reload a save file
Life is not like a computer game where everything goes the way I want
I want instantaneous results
And for that I am to blame
For thinking that everything is same like the game
But I need to know what will help me start
And what will keep me going even when I am in the dark
I need to reassure myself
To keep trusting the process
It worked once before
It will work again.
And so for Christmas, what I want to give myself
The forced reset button that I have been craving so much
But, this time, no matter how hard
This time, no matter how it sucks
I got to remind myself of how I want to be
I got to remind myself of how proud I want to be
I got to remind myself and not lose sight of it
Because only me, myself, and I can only do this and achieve it!
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