Hall of Shame
I have been doing a lot of stupid things lately, but usually, I would normally pull through it with little difficulties. However, the past few months really made me depressed in the fact that, I could not pull through it as fast as I want to.
The spark that started it all of relates to the incidents where my friends and I had an argument. We were a group, supposedly to have a seminar in front of the whole class. But, due to my lack of presence in class, they lacked the motivation and confidence in me. Due to that, I was kicked out despite me always trying to contact them or doing the work. At first, I thought their decisions were jokes but as I did more research and questioning, I found out it was not a joke. Therefore, complications arisen. I was left without a group, which means no marks will be allocated to me unless I found a group. Luckily, another group of friends decided to take me in. But, after this whole situation, I never talked to them again. It was like our connection drifted apart as I felt more comfortable being alone rather than be in a group with them. It is not their fault, but probably my choice to walk on a path of loneliness alone.
The catalyst that caused me further unhappiness in school was when I was doing an English presentation. Normally, I would pull through with little difficulties but this time, I was shot down like a sitting duck. Using my skills from Public Speaking class, I involved personal affairs and engage with the audience. However, my choice of topic and my way of answering ignite the fury of my teacher and classmate. I never liked my classmate as she is close with my other group of friends. She always makes me wonder whether she is shooting me down on behalf of me shooting down my group of friends the other day (which failed terribly since some other classmate of mine helped them). Anyway, I lost my mood and motivation to study. I skipped class whenever possible as I always feel depressed in school not because of lack of friends, but lack of the friendly environment I encountered in INTI.
My exam scores dropped along with my confidence. Every time I go to school, I feel like going back home immediately. My personal attitude seemed hopeless and idiotic as I angered and troubled people as I went my own way. I keep trying to find a path, suitable for me; but that path, seems to be blocked time and time again. I want to forget my worries; I want to start a new path. But, firstly, I have to finish this path I started walking on. Although in the beginning I have friends walking alongside me, I feel more comfortable if I am alone. Their presence and our connection together is just not synced with each other. AIESEC is now my place of sanctuary, but how long can AIESEC protect me from the outside world? My actions seem to make me think twice after I done it, especially when I seem to have offend people I consider as friends.
I feel like a hopeless case, walking along the road as I feel fat, ugly and ignored. Every time I see friends celebrating surprise birthdays for their friends, I envy them. Their friends seem to always remember their birthdays, which was never seen in my case. I might have 2 close girl friends in MUFY, but chances of them doing this for me is zero as I do not really hang out with them. In fact, English and Maths classes are the only time I really spend time with them. So, what gives? I seem to always be the one celebrating birthdays for other people, but although my family always celebrates with me, it does not hurt if my friends celebrate with me by surprising me for a change. I seem to always be the one making people happy, but I always feel sad inside as I keep making the ones close to me angry, hurt or depressed. I seem to always cause trouble for everyone, especially in times of urgent matters. I seem to always screw things out as people get out of my way.
And, this second semester of MUFY will be my utmost failure and pain in life. Because I experienced troublesome life experiences, pain and lost friendships. Layers and layers of depression fills my heart as I struggle to swim and survive. And whether I survive depends on what I do with my semester break. By my last semester in MUFY, will I be able to cope and survive?
tO b3 conTinu3d..
The spark that started it all of relates to the incidents where my friends and I had an argument. We were a group, supposedly to have a seminar in front of the whole class. But, due to my lack of presence in class, they lacked the motivation and confidence in me. Due to that, I was kicked out despite me always trying to contact them or doing the work. At first, I thought their decisions were jokes but as I did more research and questioning, I found out it was not a joke. Therefore, complications arisen. I was left without a group, which means no marks will be allocated to me unless I found a group. Luckily, another group of friends decided to take me in. But, after this whole situation, I never talked to them again. It was like our connection drifted apart as I felt more comfortable being alone rather than be in a group with them. It is not their fault, but probably my choice to walk on a path of loneliness alone.
The catalyst that caused me further unhappiness in school was when I was doing an English presentation. Normally, I would pull through with little difficulties but this time, I was shot down like a sitting duck. Using my skills from Public Speaking class, I involved personal affairs and engage with the audience. However, my choice of topic and my way of answering ignite the fury of my teacher and classmate. I never liked my classmate as she is close with my other group of friends. She always makes me wonder whether she is shooting me down on behalf of me shooting down my group of friends the other day (which failed terribly since some other classmate of mine helped them). Anyway, I lost my mood and motivation to study. I skipped class whenever possible as I always feel depressed in school not because of lack of friends, but lack of the friendly environment I encountered in INTI.
My exam scores dropped along with my confidence. Every time I go to school, I feel like going back home immediately. My personal attitude seemed hopeless and idiotic as I angered and troubled people as I went my own way. I keep trying to find a path, suitable for me; but that path, seems to be blocked time and time again. I want to forget my worries; I want to start a new path. But, firstly, I have to finish this path I started walking on. Although in the beginning I have friends walking alongside me, I feel more comfortable if I am alone. Their presence and our connection together is just not synced with each other. AIESEC is now my place of sanctuary, but how long can AIESEC protect me from the outside world? My actions seem to make me think twice after I done it, especially when I seem to have offend people I consider as friends.
I feel like a hopeless case, walking along the road as I feel fat, ugly and ignored. Every time I see friends celebrating surprise birthdays for their friends, I envy them. Their friends seem to always remember their birthdays, which was never seen in my case. I might have 2 close girl friends in MUFY, but chances of them doing this for me is zero as I do not really hang out with them. In fact, English and Maths classes are the only time I really spend time with them. So, what gives? I seem to always be the one celebrating birthdays for other people, but although my family always celebrates with me, it does not hurt if my friends celebrate with me by surprising me for a change. I seem to always be the one making people happy, but I always feel sad inside as I keep making the ones close to me angry, hurt or depressed. I seem to always cause trouble for everyone, especially in times of urgent matters. I seem to always screw things out as people get out of my way.
And, this second semester of MUFY will be my utmost failure and pain in life. Because I experienced troublesome life experiences, pain and lost friendships. Layers and layers of depression fills my heart as I struggle to swim and survive. And whether I survive depends on what I do with my semester break. By my last semester in MUFY, will I be able to cope and survive?
tO b3 conTinu3d..
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