Evolution
My mind is killing me.
It really is.
If not, how else am I to explain this madness that reigns in my head?
Developed as a coping system to cope for 6 days and 5 nights, this fantasy had mutated and evolved into a two-sided dream that enchants and traps me from within. The wings that I had tried so hard to free a few years ago, suddenly became bound. And with every thought that crosses my head, the chains of that fantasy keeps getting tighter and tighter; eventually crushing my wings and suffocating me while preventing me to fly ever again.
From the birth of that delusional fantasy, I did not pay attention that when every time I caught sight of him, my breath would still and my heart would race so fast. That is, until it was too late. I would fall asleep, dreaming of him and the conversations that had taken place. I would always wonder what was going through his head every time. And before I know it, morning came and I would forgot about it.
But, it became stronger each day. I felt it grow within me, and I could not get rid of it completely as its poison is hidden deep within my system. And before I knew it, I recognized the basic symptoms of missing someone, of always hoping that he is there wherever I am. Though I pay no attention to him when in direct view of him, I am aware of my unconscious self who keeps looking around. This frustrates me until I decided to read my book to pass the time and to distract myself. It helps, sort of.
I had forgotten how easy it was to talk to him until that night when we had to meet for discussion. I had forgotten how easy going our conversation always would be, as we make fun of each other. Somehow, it gave me a sense of satisfaction from the laughter that I would emit when he teases me. And unwittingly, I would tease back. But, that was normal, right? Us teasing each other? We did it before anyway to pass the time on our last adventure to meet our partner. Why would it be unusual now?
But, when he came back to double check on the information before leaving, he accidentally touched me. That was when I realized, with shock, that my breath stilled and my heartbeat races. I knew I was in deep shit, especially after he left. But that contact, left me with energy to keep me going with the discussion with my team mate for a few more hours. It was bizarre, and unusual.
The next meeting we had was when we went for dinner. When I picked him up, there's that flow of easy going conversation between us again. It's stupid. But, I can't stop myself from laughing. The whole entire time, I felt easy with him. It is like we were close friends, but he is not Kato. He does not know about my past, nor about my background. Speaking of which, I do not know about his either.
After a few rounds, we went back to the office for him to finish his work. I stayed there, waiting for him to finish up as he said it would be quick. Unexpectedly, he procrastinated. I was frustrated at first, thinking how in the world did this guy manage to finish up his work in the past despite so much procrastination. But then, I realized he was tired. Tired from working so hard until so late. Tired from 2 jobs along with the fact he did not recover from those sleepless nights.
The way he procrastinated was funny as well, but I got worried that he might not finish his work in time for tomorrow. And time and time again, he kept persuading me to go back. He kept asking why am I so kind to him. I could see the worry etched on his face, but I refuse to budge as I wish to see this through.When I caught a cold, I have a feeling he felt guilty as I got sick waiting for him to finish the work that seems so endless and tiring for him.
But, what stuck on my mind was how I would wake up with his jacket covering me and keeping me warm. What stuck on my mind was how he would then persuade me to sleep next to him, which I felt is coming from the sense of guilt he has from keeping me here. What stuck on my mind was how we would face each other, and how I would tell him a dark secret that I have. A dark secret, that was horrifying and followed me wherever I go. And though I did not manage to completely tell him the darkness that follows me, I was grateful when he offered me warmth in the form of a hug and I fell asleep listening to the beating of his heart.
I was aware that though he looks at me when I am not looking at him, I knew that there is nothing in store waiting for me except for friendship. It may even go as close as to brother and sister, but I felt that that would be it. Why you ask?
Well, that is because I found out that his heart belongs to someone at the other edge of the world.
tO b3 conTinu3d..
It really is.
If not, how else am I to explain this madness that reigns in my head?
Developed as a coping system to cope for 6 days and 5 nights, this fantasy had mutated and evolved into a two-sided dream that enchants and traps me from within. The wings that I had tried so hard to free a few years ago, suddenly became bound. And with every thought that crosses my head, the chains of that fantasy keeps getting tighter and tighter; eventually crushing my wings and suffocating me while preventing me to fly ever again.
From the birth of that delusional fantasy, I did not pay attention that when every time I caught sight of him, my breath would still and my heart would race so fast. That is, until it was too late. I would fall asleep, dreaming of him and the conversations that had taken place. I would always wonder what was going through his head every time. And before I know it, morning came and I would forgot about it.
But, it became stronger each day. I felt it grow within me, and I could not get rid of it completely as its poison is hidden deep within my system. And before I knew it, I recognized the basic symptoms of missing someone, of always hoping that he is there wherever I am. Though I pay no attention to him when in direct view of him, I am aware of my unconscious self who keeps looking around. This frustrates me until I decided to read my book to pass the time and to distract myself. It helps, sort of.
I had forgotten how easy it was to talk to him until that night when we had to meet for discussion. I had forgotten how easy going our conversation always would be, as we make fun of each other. Somehow, it gave me a sense of satisfaction from the laughter that I would emit when he teases me. And unwittingly, I would tease back. But, that was normal, right? Us teasing each other? We did it before anyway to pass the time on our last adventure to meet our partner. Why would it be unusual now?
But, when he came back to double check on the information before leaving, he accidentally touched me. That was when I realized, with shock, that my breath stilled and my heartbeat races. I knew I was in deep shit, especially after he left. But that contact, left me with energy to keep me going with the discussion with my team mate for a few more hours. It was bizarre, and unusual.
The next meeting we had was when we went for dinner. When I picked him up, there's that flow of easy going conversation between us again. It's stupid. But, I can't stop myself from laughing. The whole entire time, I felt easy with him. It is like we were close friends, but he is not Kato. He does not know about my past, nor about my background. Speaking of which, I do not know about his either.
After a few rounds, we went back to the office for him to finish his work. I stayed there, waiting for him to finish up as he said it would be quick. Unexpectedly, he procrastinated. I was frustrated at first, thinking how in the world did this guy manage to finish up his work in the past despite so much procrastination. But then, I realized he was tired. Tired from working so hard until so late. Tired from 2 jobs along with the fact he did not recover from those sleepless nights.
The way he procrastinated was funny as well, but I got worried that he might not finish his work in time for tomorrow. And time and time again, he kept persuading me to go back. He kept asking why am I so kind to him. I could see the worry etched on his face, but I refuse to budge as I wish to see this through.When I caught a cold, I have a feeling he felt guilty as I got sick waiting for him to finish the work that seems so endless and tiring for him.
But, what stuck on my mind was how I would wake up with his jacket covering me and keeping me warm. What stuck on my mind was how he would then persuade me to sleep next to him, which I felt is coming from the sense of guilt he has from keeping me here. What stuck on my mind was how we would face each other, and how I would tell him a dark secret that I have. A dark secret, that was horrifying and followed me wherever I go. And though I did not manage to completely tell him the darkness that follows me, I was grateful when he offered me warmth in the form of a hug and I fell asleep listening to the beating of his heart.
I was aware that though he looks at me when I am not looking at him, I knew that there is nothing in store waiting for me except for friendship. It may even go as close as to brother and sister, but I felt that that would be it. Why you ask?
Well, that is because I found out that his heart belongs to someone at the other edge of the world.
tO b3 conTinu3d..
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