Time Machine
What would I do without your smile now?
I should not be doing this.
I should not be feeling like this.
As I stepped out of the embrace that offer me warmth, I was suppose to run away into the darkness and never be seen. But why do you appear before me now?
After losing in a game and never knowing you were there.
After chatting with my friend and never remembered that you were beside him in the first place.
Never remembering you or noticing you, until that night, when you told us your story;
your brief history.
And then, it all changed.
Little by little, the gears started turning.
My mind started noticing.
First time I took a picture of you, I posted it out of humour.
Never realizing that I was enthralled by your smile and the twinkle in your eyes.
Never knowing about the past and the secrets you kept in your mind.
And when you helped me bring my intern out, I was ever that grateful.
Never knowing that the more I communicate with you, I started treading on a dangerous line.
When you agreed to that spontaneous trip, I was amazed at how easily you accepted it.
I did not expect you to even agree, so I was very happy to be able to actually experience another adventure of a lifetime.
Never realizing that as we travelled from modern city to laidback hometown, our experience and conversations on the grass and by the sea would actually contribute to a whole bigger experience.
I wondered what I got myself into, and how I, myself, started noticing you more and more.
After that trip, there was a time when we stayed behind.
Where the rain fell and the wind blow, I told you, out of all people, about the contradictions and feelings of being lost for 6 months.
How it begin and how it is now.
I felt you opening up as well, telling me things you do not normally tell people.
It was interesting, when you tried to figure me out in a span of a few hours.
But, why do I feel that the more you asked, the more I am misunderstood?
And why?
Why do I feel that the library is more inviting than the couch at home?
Why do I feel the need for company when I am alright with being alone?
And why?
Why did I so stupidly set myself up to fall into that obvious trap?
Why did I go back to the place where it all began, when I knew it would not be as good as it has been before?
And why?
Why did I felt hurt when he told me that I was not wanted there by our friend?
Why was I easily amused when you sat beside me on the way back?
And why?
Why do I keep coming back?
Why do I keep hoping to see you?
Why do I keep wondering about you?
And why?
Why were you so concerned with whatever I wrote in that sugar cube?
Why in the world are you asking me the details when you knew about it yourself?
And why?
Why did you give me your heart?
Because I was afraid, that in my current situation, I might break it.
I was happy and really amused that I won the right to search through your mind and touch your heart, but I was equally afraid and angry with myself that I placed you in this delicate situation. For even if I changed my scenario, would I even be able to give you what you need?
Within 100 hours, it was clear that it was you that I think about.
Every night before I sleep and in every spare time I have, thoughts about you resurfaced time and time again.
I am not supposed to feel like this, yet when I received your messages, I grin stupidly like a child.
And, I knew it.
I knew what I should do.
And when I came back, those thoughts came into my mind again.
The yearning to see you and talk to you, even though 100 hours is not up.
And I was really ambivalent when I saw you in that seminar.
Half of me knew you were going to be there, and half of me keeps telling me to run away.
But, I stayed.
Amused at your surprised reaction and happy to just even see you for a moment.
I had not planned to stick around, but I guess I lost track of time.
Lost in the conversations I have with you, and lost in your eyes.
I was lost in the moment whenever I was with you.
I still am.
Whenever we talk, hold hands, kiss or even when I fall asleep listening to your heart beat,
I keep getting lost in the moments.
And, I keep wondering how I got here in the first place.
Because for the first time, I truly am lost.
Lost in your embrace, and trusting you to guide me through no matter how dark it becomes.
tO b3 conTinu3d..
I should not be doing this.
I should not be feeling like this.
As I stepped out of the embrace that offer me warmth, I was suppose to run away into the darkness and never be seen. But why do you appear before me now?
After losing in a game and never knowing you were there.
After chatting with my friend and never remembered that you were beside him in the first place.
Never remembering you or noticing you, until that night, when you told us your story;
your brief history.
And then, it all changed.
Little by little, the gears started turning.
My mind started noticing.
First time I took a picture of you, I posted it out of humour.
Never realizing that I was enthralled by your smile and the twinkle in your eyes.
Never knowing about the past and the secrets you kept in your mind.
And when you helped me bring my intern out, I was ever that grateful.
Never knowing that the more I communicate with you, I started treading on a dangerous line.
When you agreed to that spontaneous trip, I was amazed at how easily you accepted it.
I did not expect you to even agree, so I was very happy to be able to actually experience another adventure of a lifetime.
Never realizing that as we travelled from modern city to laidback hometown, our experience and conversations on the grass and by the sea would actually contribute to a whole bigger experience.
I wondered what I got myself into, and how I, myself, started noticing you more and more.
After that trip, there was a time when we stayed behind.
Where the rain fell and the wind blow, I told you, out of all people, about the contradictions and feelings of being lost for 6 months.
How it begin and how it is now.
I felt you opening up as well, telling me things you do not normally tell people.
It was interesting, when you tried to figure me out in a span of a few hours.
But, why do I feel that the more you asked, the more I am misunderstood?
And why?
Why do I feel that the library is more inviting than the couch at home?
Why do I feel the need for company when I am alright with being alone?
And why?
Why did I so stupidly set myself up to fall into that obvious trap?
Why did I go back to the place where it all began, when I knew it would not be as good as it has been before?
And why?
Why did I felt hurt when he told me that I was not wanted there by our friend?
Why was I easily amused when you sat beside me on the way back?
And why?
Why do I keep coming back?
Why do I keep hoping to see you?
Why do I keep wondering about you?
And why?
Why were you so concerned with whatever I wrote in that sugar cube?
Why in the world are you asking me the details when you knew about it yourself?
And why?
Why did you give me your heart?
Because I was afraid, that in my current situation, I might break it.
I was happy and really amused that I won the right to search through your mind and touch your heart, but I was equally afraid and angry with myself that I placed you in this delicate situation. For even if I changed my scenario, would I even be able to give you what you need?
Within 100 hours, it was clear that it was you that I think about.
Every night before I sleep and in every spare time I have, thoughts about you resurfaced time and time again.
I am not supposed to feel like this, yet when I received your messages, I grin stupidly like a child.
And, I knew it.
I knew what I should do.
And when I came back, those thoughts came into my mind again.
The yearning to see you and talk to you, even though 100 hours is not up.
And I was really ambivalent when I saw you in that seminar.
Half of me knew you were going to be there, and half of me keeps telling me to run away.
But, I stayed.
Amused at your surprised reaction and happy to just even see you for a moment.
I had not planned to stick around, but I guess I lost track of time.
Lost in the conversations I have with you, and lost in your eyes.
I was lost in the moment whenever I was with you.
I still am.
Whenever we talk, hold hands, kiss or even when I fall asleep listening to your heart beat,
I keep getting lost in the moments.
And, I keep wondering how I got here in the first place.
Because for the first time, I truly am lost.
Lost in your embrace, and trusting you to guide me through no matter how dark it becomes.
tO b3 conTinu3d..
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