Amidst the Chaos
I am sitting in the newly renovated corner of my university's library. It is close to 9 years now, since I started writing my blog. And, it has been close to a year since I last logged on. I almost forgot the email I used for blogger.
I am actually more surprised (and yet, surprisingly not) that Google has bought over Blogger, like how they bought over YouTube and other platforms that I don't really care about anymore. Looking back, 9 years ago, I never thought that the world would be such a deary and tired place to live in.
Even without all the expectations, peer pressure and conformity that normal people usually fall for, I feel my energy and soul being slowly sapped away into the nothingness of society's black hole. My thoughts are always running wild as they are focused on the future, and not being able to focus on the present.
I enjoyed smelling the roses, and taking my time to eat, sleep, and walk through life. Yet, right here.. Right now.. I am not able to fully let my mind be absorbed into this blog post. Half of my heart and mind is worried about my assignments, my exams, and my future. More of it is worried about my family's financial situation, and whether they are able to support themselves as I try to realize my dreams of pursuing Honours and PHD.
The library is not as quiet as it should be, and I find this very annoying. But, what annoys me the most the calmness that was stolen from me the moment I entered final year. I want everything to be perfect, yet, my energy is not able to cope with the demands of the situation. I need HDs in all my subjects, yet, I do not know how long my procrastination and anxiety will stay put in my life.
I am currently fighting it as best as I can. Sometimes, I feel like I will be able to win.. And then, something will push me back. Week 4 is coming, with a deadline on Week 5. I cannot keep being like this. I cannot look at the world in a deary, depressed state. My eyes and brain may be tired, but my heart will never give up. I got to. Keep. Moving. Forward.
Other duties weigh me down.
Partner to my love.
Mother to two little sugar gliders.
Parent to 1 dog, 2 cats, and 1 rabbit.
Partner in a startup that does not seem to be going anywhere.
Publicity Officer in the university's local club.
Whatever happened to the Moonlight Sex Goddess goal that I aspire to become? The perfect being. The one without flaws. Is it all for naught?
Along the 9 years, my journey has been full of suffering, pain, doubt, insults, and deaths. It was not an easy journey, but over the many times that I thought I could never get any worse, I had actually gotten better. Every time I fell, I always managed to stand back up.
And, this time will be no different. Am I right?
I want to be able to close my eyes and find myself in an empty room. In the room, there will be 4 doors. One leads to work, one leads to peace, one leads to the future, and another one.. I forgot about it. Lets just delete that room.
And, push all the rubbish out of my head and slam the door.
The one to my right is my favorite main room. It leads to a beach, where I can hear the wind sift through my hair as the waves lapped gently at my feet. There is an umbrella standing over a chair, which I could sit in to enjoy the forever sunset. This is my favorite room, because I am by the sea.
The one to my left is my work room, whereby the huge window overlooks a huge tree that gently sways with the wind. The whole room is tidy, with bookcases full of books I have read and placed there. The mahogany wooden desk will be my work desk, where I come inside here whenever I need to focus. So far, I have never used this room when I need to focus. In the past, whenever I have to focus, I would always get absorbed into the learning that my books are teaching me to prepare for exams.
Lastly, the room in front of me leads to a huge window whereby I can always lookout to the future. It always show a clear sky, with the sun coming out of the horizon. Every time I look at it, my wings would unfurl itself and I would fly right through it. But, even when I am not flying through it, I would always feel at ease as I look at the clouds floating by. To me, it is the perfect version of a future as it symbolizes a blank canvas that I could paint however I wanted.
I.. feel a little calm now, especially when I was interrupted by a friend just now when I was busy typing halfway. Since I have put all my fears inside this post, it is time to head out and finally defeat the boss monsters.
When I come back, I would have succeeded.
Thank you, for always listening to me.
tO b3 conTinu3d..
I am actually more surprised (and yet, surprisingly not) that Google has bought over Blogger, like how they bought over YouTube and other platforms that I don't really care about anymore. Looking back, 9 years ago, I never thought that the world would be such a deary and tired place to live in.
Even without all the expectations, peer pressure and conformity that normal people usually fall for, I feel my energy and soul being slowly sapped away into the nothingness of society's black hole. My thoughts are always running wild as they are focused on the future, and not being able to focus on the present.
I enjoyed smelling the roses, and taking my time to eat, sleep, and walk through life. Yet, right here.. Right now.. I am not able to fully let my mind be absorbed into this blog post. Half of my heart and mind is worried about my assignments, my exams, and my future. More of it is worried about my family's financial situation, and whether they are able to support themselves as I try to realize my dreams of pursuing Honours and PHD.
The library is not as quiet as it should be, and I find this very annoying. But, what annoys me the most the calmness that was stolen from me the moment I entered final year. I want everything to be perfect, yet, my energy is not able to cope with the demands of the situation. I need HDs in all my subjects, yet, I do not know how long my procrastination and anxiety will stay put in my life.
I am currently fighting it as best as I can. Sometimes, I feel like I will be able to win.. And then, something will push me back. Week 4 is coming, with a deadline on Week 5. I cannot keep being like this. I cannot look at the world in a deary, depressed state. My eyes and brain may be tired, but my heart will never give up. I got to. Keep. Moving. Forward.
Other duties weigh me down.
Partner to my love.
Mother to two little sugar gliders.
Parent to 1 dog, 2 cats, and 1 rabbit.
Partner in a startup that does not seem to be going anywhere.
Publicity Officer in the university's local club.
Whatever happened to the Moonlight Sex Goddess goal that I aspire to become? The perfect being. The one without flaws. Is it all for naught?
Along the 9 years, my journey has been full of suffering, pain, doubt, insults, and deaths. It was not an easy journey, but over the many times that I thought I could never get any worse, I had actually gotten better. Every time I fell, I always managed to stand back up.
And, this time will be no different. Am I right?
I want to be able to close my eyes and find myself in an empty room. In the room, there will be 4 doors. One leads to work, one leads to peace, one leads to the future, and another one.. I forgot about it. Lets just delete that room.
And, push all the rubbish out of my head and slam the door.
The one to my right is my favorite main room. It leads to a beach, where I can hear the wind sift through my hair as the waves lapped gently at my feet. There is an umbrella standing over a chair, which I could sit in to enjoy the forever sunset. This is my favorite room, because I am by the sea.
The one to my left is my work room, whereby the huge window overlooks a huge tree that gently sways with the wind. The whole room is tidy, with bookcases full of books I have read and placed there. The mahogany wooden desk will be my work desk, where I come inside here whenever I need to focus. So far, I have never used this room when I need to focus. In the past, whenever I have to focus, I would always get absorbed into the learning that my books are teaching me to prepare for exams.
Lastly, the room in front of me leads to a huge window whereby I can always lookout to the future. It always show a clear sky, with the sun coming out of the horizon. Every time I look at it, my wings would unfurl itself and I would fly right through it. But, even when I am not flying through it, I would always feel at ease as I look at the clouds floating by. To me, it is the perfect version of a future as it symbolizes a blank canvas that I could paint however I wanted.
I.. feel a little calm now, especially when I was interrupted by a friend just now when I was busy typing halfway. Since I have put all my fears inside this post, it is time to head out and finally defeat the boss monsters.
When I come back, I would have succeeded.
Thank you, for always listening to me.
tO b3 conTinu3d..
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