Midnight Thoughts
The songs are playing in my head.. swirling around like they are next to me.. but, they aren't real.. but the feelings i feel are real though.. i don't feel like scrolling through facebook any more.. it's full of people travelling.. people eating.. people getting married.. people moving on..
The songs are playing in my head.. weighing my heart down even more.. i miss my grandma.. she ain't around any more.. when she died, a part of me died with her.. i don't feel any regrets back then because i can't do anything.. but i feel the regret coming now.. me not being able to be with her.. me not being able to help her even though i am a mental health professional.. and me.. not even returning for that last chinese new year family dinner.. the dinner before lockdown started..
The songs are playing in my head.. my tears are running down now.. she ain't here any more.. i don't feel her absence very much.. but i am always reminded of it whenever i look into her dog's eyes.. the feelings her dog feels.. how her mistress will never be able to return.. how her mistress left her first.. i carried her dog before to show her mistress lying motionless in the coffin.. her eyes closed.. her body stiff.. her cheeks cold.. it doesn't feel surreal.. even now..
The songs are playing in my head.. i felt like i let her down.. actually.. i have always let her down.. i wasn't perfect to begin with.. but her wanting me to not worry my parents.. i am too stubborn to begin with.. she probably turned a blind eye and trying hard not to care because she would have felt that it should be between my parents and i to settle.. but.. her voice.. her hugs.. her birthday wishes.. her food.. her care.. her love.. she isn't here any more..
The songs are playing in my head.. my tears are still falling.. i am afraid.. that i will start to forget my memories of her one day.. like how i forgot about my grandpa.. or my other grandma.. or my other pets.. i don't wanna forget her.. but yet.. i feel like with each passing day.. i feel more and more empty.. i haven't felt right for a long time after her death.. even abandoned someone who loved me back then because i don't see the point any more.. i realised shortly after that.. why i wasn't so keen on marriage after that.. i really wanted her to attend it.. even though she was joking.. i wanted her to meet her great grandchildren.. but.. i failed so horribly in that.. nobody i met was ready.. even i was not ready..
The songs are playing in my head.. i didn't look for another after that.. had no hope.. no future.. didn't even want to think about it.. i didn't want to pull anyone back into my stupid dreams of marriage.. after all, my grandma was the reason why i wanted it to happen fast in the first place.. and with her gone.. all pressure to rush has disappear..
and then.. he came along.. he, whom i was interested in quite awhile back.. whom we always chat on and off and on and off and on and off.. he was still interested even after all this while.. and that.. surprised me.. why would he be interested in me.. when there were so many others to begin with.. why would he wanna connect with me.. even when i broke his heart before this.. and why would he wanna meet over and over again.. even though i.. was not looking for someone to begin with?
i didn't wanna unnecessarily hurt someone
and if i do start it, my expectations were hella low
expecting nothing from something
i won't get hurt from this, right?
but, i find myself getting greedy over time
and soon, i just want him to be all mine
even though i worked on myself and still find myself imperfect
and even though i do recognise he is not perfect himself
i- i just want us to belong to each other
forever
and then.. i see a glimpse of some hope and some parts of my past dreams coming back.. wanting to be with someone.. wanting to build a future with someone.. it wasn't as strong as before.. there is a lot of hesitancy.. but, as time passes, the hesitancy becomes more and more sure.. and it makes me wonder.. whether i will finally get my happily ever after.. whether i will finally be able to be someone else's officially.. but every time i think about this.. my heart drops and my tears start coming out.. i am scared.. scared of getting my hopes up again.. and wondering.. whether i will be able to survive another fall..
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