Afternoon Thoughts
I noticed lately that it is happening more and more..
The ache in my heart..
The yearning..
The slight jealousy..
And then, the increased unease..
In myself.. in him..
It is not that I do not trust him..
It is more like.. I keep wondering when it is my turn..
I wanted the surprises..
The romance..
The dates..
The preparations..
Some flowers?
Some gifts?
Yes.. I got love, I got hugs, I got kisses, I got food..
But, I feel more and more like.. a mum?
That really sucks.
To a pet.. it is no big deal.
But to another grown human being..?
I haven't done a lot of what I wanted to do yet..
Travelling..
Having fun..
Being worry-free..
Parents are increasingly telling me more about reality..
But, what use is reality if I find myself not wanting to enjoy the present?
What use is reality if I keep distracting myself, and avoiding it head-on?
I keep finding myself looking ahead.. I kept looking forward..
I kept having to plan what is going to happen in the future.. mostly about money .-.
And I keep finding videos of not setting expectations low..
Being able to find one's true love when that happens..
But every time I have thoughts like this.. I have always wished..
Why couldn't it be the person I am with.. that helps me with this?
That does this?
Why are they always not ready?
Like.. they get a partner.. and is that it?
They focus on their life.. and I focus on mine..
And then.. what about our future?
The last few times I felt that they were preparing..
One.. I had no confidence with..
And the other.. it was a scam to begin with..
And the last.. I don't think I really loved the person to begin with..
But the ones that I really loved..
That I really pinned my hopes on..
It makes me wonder.. it makes me curious..
Probably because I do not know the timeline..
And that, in itself, makes me anxious..
And even if I do know the timeline..
And they were not able to be prepared by then..
Won't that be an even bigger letdown?
I really gotta stop pinning my own hopes and expectations on others..
I would want them to do it.. but if they wanna do it, it's fine..
If they don't wanna do it.. it's fine..
But, I gotta stop expecting that- but if I am giving my all, won't it be a minimum requirement for the other to reciprocate the same?
Or am I just being too nice?
Letting love win all.. and then whatever suffering and hardships come.. love will always win -> that kind of thinking?
At the end of the day.. I should remind myself..
that yes, I care about these topics..
I wanted the surprise.. the romance.. the gifts.. like, every female wishes to be spoiled in a relationship..
But, the only locus of control that I have.. is myself.
And, there is really no point thinking about the other stuff after I let him know what I thought about this so far.
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