In The Abyss
Imagine standing on nothingness.
There is everything.
And there is also nothing.
Something tugs downward at your heart.
As if trying to make you sink deeper into the darkness.
There is no sense of gravity, even when falling down.
No speed to indicate whether it is fast or slow.
Just the endless darkness.
That is why you do not feel fear.
For fear tells you if you are at a high place or if danger is around the corner.
But, you do not see nor hear anything in here.
You do not feel fear.
But yet, you also see and hear everything.
You are not sure on which target you would like to focus on first.
As everything is swirling about.
But, you grabbed one string and tug at it.
And, suddenly, it comes towards you.
Hurling straight at your face.
Not able to escape, you brace yourself for the impact.
Work
That tensed feeling is gone.
The one that always comes weekly.
Or whenever you see them.
"Thoughts from Me to You" was your last hope for them.
But, it was unwelcomed.
It was not safe.
It was not supported.
And, you moved on to another place.
At first, the place seems too bright with lights and rainbows.
But, you soon realized that the bright colors were a distraction.
To distract oneself from the reality.
And the more you step, the stickier the colors become.
Making it harder and harder for you to move forward.
Making it more harder and harder for you to avoid any possible landmines.
You decided to call it quits.
You have the power to decide for yourself.
And, you did not choose to jump from a sinking ship to a sinking rowboat.
Friends
One by one, they left you behind.
They seem to have it all.
Be it power, wealth, status, fame, love, kids.
The events you desired.
The surprises and the gifts.
You still have a few close ones that you cherish.
And, you are still grateful that they are there.
But, your circle seems to get smaller and smaller.
For whenever you decide to expand it through work, you seem to notice something.
The people at work stay as your friends only at work.
And most of the time, they do not acknowledge you as friends at all.
They may laugh, smile, complain, and speak to you as though you are a friend.
But, if you count your fingers, less than 10 actually stay until the end.
The dwindling circle of friends seem to grow lesser and less.
And, more friends who are younger start to appear.
You start to feel old.
And slowly but surely, you start to lose touch.
Love
The one that troubles you most.
The one that makes you sigh.
The one that makes you feel so contradicted.
You feel hope, yet feel hopeless.
You feel optimistic, yet feel pessimistic.
You feel safe, yet feel unsafe.
You feel assured, yet not assured.
You feel loved, yet feel unloved.
The events that you desire.
The hope that he can step up.
To be surprised with dates and gifts.
To be given the support that you need.
Not needing to nag and complain.
Not needing to plead and beg.
Not needing to drag your feet.
Not needing to pull beyond your own weight.
To not be called selfish.
To not be called not understanding.
To not be called naggy.
To always be supported with kind words and acts of service.
To always be understood.
To always be listened.
To have quality time to have quality conversations.
To be given patience when having difficult conversations.
To have promises fulfilled.
To be returned money.
To be supported with money.
To always be there for you.
To always be there with you.
To be able to feel safe.
To be given what you needed.
To be loved the way you wanted.
Family
Poor in financials and attitude.
Racist against other races and cultures.
Negativity in terms of words.
Negativity is how they show they love you.
Buying you items is how they show their love for you.
Full of toxicity and lack of understanding.
Quick to judge, and slow to accept.
But, slowly, the mist is gradually dissipating.
Ray of hopeful lights are shining through for this one.
But, only the future knows what will happen in the end.
Money
A never ending problem.
You were raised to conserve.
You were raised to save.
You were raised to never speak about it.
You were never taught how to properly invest.
Making it work for you rather than you work for it seems like a long shot at this point.
Not that you do not know how.
But, somehow, you feel demotivated to do so.
What is stopping you?
Body
Fat.
Chubby.
Unhealthy.
Lack of strength.
Lack of stamina.
Not perfect.
Not the way you wanted.
A work in progress.
But, the light at the end of the tunnel.
Can it still be seen?
Or has it grown dimmer by the day?
Mind
Negativity all the way.
Barely any positivity in your actions.
Spirituality: nil.
Dissociated.
Locked away.
Not being touched on.
Not being worked on.
Not being interested in it.
It is like you have given up.
Is your resilience at the end of its life cycle?
Can it not be jumpstarted?
Soul
Nothingness.
Emptiness.
Darkness.
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