A Change of Tides
Imagine sitting on the stone stairs and looking out towards the lake. The cranes at the construction site ahead moved left and right on its own as though it is on the lookout for something. The whispers of two people flowed into my ears but I shut them out, just like I did to the rest of the world.
The ripples of the water flowed back and forth. If it was not for the arising problems that lived at the back of my mind, I would have gladly close my eyes and slept there until the morning sun woke me up. I could feel the little bunny in the bag struggling to get out. But, I really could not let her out. Not now. Not in the midst of all this mess, all these problems.
A lot of shops on the right had closed. It must have been around 11 p.m. now since I left the restaurant and started the discussion after 10. Above on my right, hostel dwellers chatted and laughed in their lounge, oblivious to my problems and the rest of the world. Their worries are the worries of tomorrow's assignments and what to eat. Not like mine, where chaos dwell and sank deep within the recesses of my heart.
When I closed my eyes, their whispers grew louder. Their whispers, carried by the wind, bothered me a lot. Doubts and insecurities from long ago stirred within me. At that moment, I had just wanted to go home and forget about everything. To forget about AIESEC, to forget about Taylors and the lake that I had grew to love and to forget that our friendship ever existed. Wouldn't it be easier for me to just up and walk away?
But, I continued sitting there. I just could not walk away. As I sat here longer, flashbacks rewind itself in my memories. Those were happy moments without a care in the world. Those were happy moments when I could just be free and without having any commitment, troubles and responsibilities. I could just forget who I am supposed to be and enjoy myself in that one day. But, all of that was taken away..
I never knew what were the consequences but I met one friend at a meeting. It had seemed harmless then, inviting him to come sit with us as we shoot questions after questions at the candidates. It was fun, the most fun I had in ages, especially in an election. After that, we just clicked. Our friendship was like we known each other since high school. For the first time, I did not have his number until he smsed. Where he got it from, who knows? But, we chatted. I got to take my mind off things and chatted away. It's been a long time since I had this kind of friend. The friend I had counted on last year was no more, so his presence was warming as I walked through life.
As we got along, we went out. It was not a date or anything, just a simple hang out. Although simple, it was fun. We walked, talked, ate, movies.. just like any other hang out. Give or take, I was suspicious at first. But, I let my guard down a bit after that. Although his past was unusual, his personality now was good and I could detect no potential harm inflicted on me.
But, people begin to suspect much more. It seems that no matter where I go, hanging out with a close guy friend would always raise suspicions. Ty suspected and asked people to stalk and investigate without thinking of any future potential consequences. Friends became interrogators and keeps judging us by cross eyebrows. And yet, this went on for one to two weeks before I was fully aware of the situation.
By then, a small matter had became a full blown situation. What passed off for jealousy became potential third party. Suddenly, the whole local committee was involved in what was originally both me and Ty's problems. My friend and I had both face-palmed ourselves when we heard of the situation. They had asked us about our feelings for each other. I said nothing much. If it was the past, I may have fallen for him but this is the future. I been through two stupid incidents and had known better if I simply let my feelings go as they wish to.
Besides, you all come to me is already more than enough. My friend is innocent. I am in the wrong, so just come and shoot at me whatever you want to shoot. Why are you interrogators threatening and interrogating him? If you said we spend too much time together, why had you not spend time with me instead? You only heard from Ty's point of view and just went ahead with whatever you feel like doing. You might as well bang a wall too if that is what you wanted to achieve.
I opened my eyes. They are still whispering. I do not know what they said and will not want to know, but I believe CC is right. I got to stand up otherwise people around me will continue to suffer. Sure, I neglected Ty but the change that he blamed himself for.. The one that I always stayed up late and got sick.. Those are just the negative side effects. I always focused on the positive side.. up until now that is.
Now, I can't even trust anybody. Not even my friend. Who knows? Maybe people asked him to continue talking to me.. Maybe somebody asked him to cheer me up. I am being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of all the lies in this world and the fact that I cannot live up to my promises. All those promises I promised Ty, is that why I cannot leave him when I should? My passion for AIESEC and my friends in Taylors.. Before all this, they had made me feel like I belonged. Now, I am not sure.
The tides had changed. I can't be a fool again.
I can't cry even when I wanted to.
My smile feels so fake, as though it's the only thing I knew I could do right.
All I know is, I can't stand by the sidelines again.
Not when..
tO b3 conTinu3d..
p.S. To me nothing has changed between us. I will still be the person u know I am.
Someone told me this before. It was a lie.
Only time will tell whether yours' is a lie too, eh? );
The ripples of the water flowed back and forth. If it was not for the arising problems that lived at the back of my mind, I would have gladly close my eyes and slept there until the morning sun woke me up. I could feel the little bunny in the bag struggling to get out. But, I really could not let her out. Not now. Not in the midst of all this mess, all these problems.
A lot of shops on the right had closed. It must have been around 11 p.m. now since I left the restaurant and started the discussion after 10. Above on my right, hostel dwellers chatted and laughed in their lounge, oblivious to my problems and the rest of the world. Their worries are the worries of tomorrow's assignments and what to eat. Not like mine, where chaos dwell and sank deep within the recesses of my heart.
When I closed my eyes, their whispers grew louder. Their whispers, carried by the wind, bothered me a lot. Doubts and insecurities from long ago stirred within me. At that moment, I had just wanted to go home and forget about everything. To forget about AIESEC, to forget about Taylors and the lake that I had grew to love and to forget that our friendship ever existed. Wouldn't it be easier for me to just up and walk away?
But, I continued sitting there. I just could not walk away. As I sat here longer, flashbacks rewind itself in my memories. Those were happy moments without a care in the world. Those were happy moments when I could just be free and without having any commitment, troubles and responsibilities. I could just forget who I am supposed to be and enjoy myself in that one day. But, all of that was taken away..
I never knew what were the consequences but I met one friend at a meeting. It had seemed harmless then, inviting him to come sit with us as we shoot questions after questions at the candidates. It was fun, the most fun I had in ages, especially in an election. After that, we just clicked. Our friendship was like we known each other since high school. For the first time, I did not have his number until he smsed. Where he got it from, who knows? But, we chatted. I got to take my mind off things and chatted away. It's been a long time since I had this kind of friend. The friend I had counted on last year was no more, so his presence was warming as I walked through life.
As we got along, we went out. It was not a date or anything, just a simple hang out. Although simple, it was fun. We walked, talked, ate, movies.. just like any other hang out. Give or take, I was suspicious at first. But, I let my guard down a bit after that. Although his past was unusual, his personality now was good and I could detect no potential harm inflicted on me.
But, people begin to suspect much more. It seems that no matter where I go, hanging out with a close guy friend would always raise suspicions. Ty suspected and asked people to stalk and investigate without thinking of any future potential consequences. Friends became interrogators and keeps judging us by cross eyebrows. And yet, this went on for one to two weeks before I was fully aware of the situation.
By then, a small matter had became a full blown situation. What passed off for jealousy became potential third party. Suddenly, the whole local committee was involved in what was originally both me and Ty's problems. My friend and I had both face-palmed ourselves when we heard of the situation. They had asked us about our feelings for each other. I said nothing much. If it was the past, I may have fallen for him but this is the future. I been through two stupid incidents and had known better if I simply let my feelings go as they wish to.
Besides, you all come to me is already more than enough. My friend is innocent. I am in the wrong, so just come and shoot at me whatever you want to shoot. Why are you interrogators threatening and interrogating him? If you said we spend too much time together, why had you not spend time with me instead? You only heard from Ty's point of view and just went ahead with whatever you feel like doing. You might as well bang a wall too if that is what you wanted to achieve.
I opened my eyes. They are still whispering. I do not know what they said and will not want to know, but I believe CC is right. I got to stand up otherwise people around me will continue to suffer. Sure, I neglected Ty but the change that he blamed himself for.. The one that I always stayed up late and got sick.. Those are just the negative side effects. I always focused on the positive side.. up until now that is.
Now, I can't even trust anybody. Not even my friend. Who knows? Maybe people asked him to continue talking to me.. Maybe somebody asked him to cheer me up. I am being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of all the lies in this world and the fact that I cannot live up to my promises. All those promises I promised Ty, is that why I cannot leave him when I should? My passion for AIESEC and my friends in Taylors.. Before all this, they had made me feel like I belonged. Now, I am not sure.
The tides had changed. I can't be a fool again.
I can't cry even when I wanted to.
My smile feels so fake, as though it's the only thing I knew I could do right.
All I know is, I can't stand by the sidelines again.
Not when..
tO b3 conTinu3d..
p.S. To me nothing has changed between us. I will still be the person u know I am.
Someone told me this before. It was a lie.
Only time will tell whether yours' is a lie too, eh? );
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