wHeN wiLl iT sTop..

I can feel impatience and annoyance from my maple kor.. So, I am now distancing myself from him.. I am also trying to distance myself from him but found it hard..

Very hard.

Every second, every minute, every hour and everyday of my life I am missing him. Never had I felt this kind of pain in my life.. I can't bear it if I lose him, yet I guess I must force myself to be happy when he finally move on and is able to find happiness and escape from all this unusual and unnecessary pain.

I could have stop him. Could have avoided all this. Could be with him tomorrow. Happily chatting with him and happily enjoying my life.

But, I could not. I cannot turn back time. I cannot be with him alone. I cannot be with him and hug him, I cannot just let him erase all my unhappiness away with all those jokes. I am suffering alone as I don't want to be with anyone or a group as I want to avoid my face showing hurt and I want silence. Yet, I don't want to be alone as pain and memories will come and haunt and torture me. Slowly killing me..

I am like a candle burning out. My life may not have ended, but I wish it would. Dying a horrible death with a wooden stake stabbed right through my heart sounds better than suffering alone with all this pain. I want him to be happy. Maybe I should leave, let him suffer for awhile and look on in the shadows at his life.

Look at how he got back up, look at how he found a better girl to really love and care for him and smile sadly when he got married with the girl of his dreams which could not be me. I could do this post, looking and caring for my loved one as I stand in the shadows of his life. Slowly guiding him without him knowing it is me.

Tears are falling now. It hurts. Really hurts. I really love him. I want him to be away from this pain. I don't want him to suffer along with me. His family's honour, his honour.. It's because of me that had cause him to lose all this. I feel like I am a black sheep in his life. I am unwanted and unforgivable.

Everyday, I really wish that I can just stop this pain. Everyday, I wish I can return back to the time when I should reject him as my boyfriend. Maybe I should break with him. This will stop the pain and eventually, his pain will become mine. Forever, I will be in pain. But, it's worth it isn't it?

Isn't it general knowledge that we should make our loved ones be happy and carefree? Isn't it our responsibility that we should stop their pain and put them first instead of us? It is my mistake and carelessness that caused this uproar. That caused this mess.

Tell me, dar.. Can I free you? From all this pain? From all this misery? I cannot erase what had been done, but at least I won't be the one who hurt you next time after you got over me. I will be in your shadow, looking after you.

Do you know my love for you has been constanly growing day by day? Do you know it hurts me everytime my mum nags about this case to me? How I had been repeatedly forced to remember how you had sort things out? How I had caused you to pay for the heavy price? Prices which you would not have pay if she did not introduce me for you to choose as a girlfriend?

My mistake as always. Always me who is wrong. I cannot take this anymore. Eventually, I might be driven to insanity. Eventually, I would have to leave you. Or you might have to leave me. Do you know that sometimes I want to give up? Because giving up is also a form of love. A more painful love. Yet, still love.

I am pained when you take a VERY long time to reply. MSN, SMS.. You name it. My heart hurts. Dar~ I kept on feeling like.. You want to give up. You want to stop it. Please tell me when you do, okay? There's a chance for you tomorrow at the park, so why not take it if you feel like that? It hurts me more when your replies are slow. I kept thinking things. Things that should not be thought.

Should we let go and test our love? Let it fall apart or gasped when it is still intact after a long time? Dar, I will always love you. Until the end of time. But, if you cannot make it.. Please just tell me.

No stress for you, you deserve the vey best. :3 I wish you happiness and love. Dar, if you ever read this.. Please tell me, okay? Till then, I will not come and look for you nor talk to you first. Till then, I will be sad as you said you won't take care of yourself. Do you know I wish I can take care of you but cannot? It will be living hell for this fallen angel.

p.s. Dar, I love you till the end of time. <3

tO b3 conTinu3d..